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Romance: A Fairy Tale: Part II: Conviction



I’m looking to be saved.
I chose you from among the masses.
That April morning you walked into a restaurant,
any clue you were up to this-
this being a martyr, this being a saint?

Something silently wild and molecular
stirs in my where-the -stirring-starts place of me.
I don’t know what to name this thing.
What we call things, how we place them into capsules
and seal them with sledgehammers
before we salute them Goodbye! and rename them,
this ever changing naming of a relationship.
The seduction is this: we don’t know each other.

Still, we’ve shaped the other into what is perfect.
There under the covers, speaking lovely nasty things into a phone,
5,447 miles away, the perfect match is on the other end:
spilled wine on the bedside, laundry on the floor.
Souvenir matchbook from the Virginia trip
when her whole family was still together with sunburns,
her father, new cigarette in hand, four in ashtray.
The photo so old you could still smoke at tables
in restaurants in Bush Gardens.

I want your words to hit me with weight,
to knock me out cold.
I want to write sentences that send people flying to the moon
on "How did she get me to feel this?"

I want words as accidental as a face
you can’t look away from.

Words you can’t stop repeating for fear
you may never say them again once they leave your lips.

I want what stays.

As shocking as grass from stone
I want to name this thing we’ve made up,
this undeniable and arbitrary poison.
I want you to wake me in the middle of the night
with words that are sharks with no bones
until I have something else to say.
I am wordless right now.

I’m back to bribing stones.
I hold them in my palms and beg
them to turn-
to grow legs and hearts.
This battle like all great battles-
is a scrimmage of the heart, filled with bloodshed
and that quiet breaking the heart knows so well.





                                                                                                  j pastiloff
                  



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